How to Build a Better Bottom
By Penny Hoff
The hardest body part to reshape is the gluteus maximus, the junk in the trunk, the caboose, patootie, booty, arse, badonkadonk — whatever you want to call it. The world of behinds is divided into three distinct categories.
The first group has not enough butt, sometimes known as flat butts, also referred to as party platter butts. These are the people you see on America’s Funniest Videos in the pants-falling-down category .
A little known side benefit of having some junk in your trunk is that it keeps your pants from falling down. Paula Dean is an excellent example. She is by no definition thin, but(t) her butt could be a serving tray and when she wears spanks she has been known to lose her pants.
The second group has too much butt and this is where the majority of adult women end up. They never lose their drawers. Ever. Instead, their struggle is to get their pants ON.
The third group has never looked back there and has no opinion whatsoever about their own tush. Many men are grouped here. If you fall into this category you can skip the rest of this article and go sit on yours.
Unlike belly fat, which, if you have the bad kind, can be lethal, fanny bulge is just annoying and unhealthy in a more vague and overall unhealthy way. This is due to the anatomical fact that no vital organs are stored in our hiney, although I have known some men who’ve made me wonder if this is true for all humans.
If you don’t like what you’ve got back there, here’s what you can do:
If Your Rump Is Flat:
• Lunges and squats with heavy weights can give the appearance of lift and separation if you have good form. Lift a challengingly heavy weight for your size and work through your heels. By that, I mean keep your weight out of your toes, because you don’t want to work the front of your leg.
• Remember the Jane Fonda bridge? Lie on your back, feet under knees and pulse the hips up like 10,000 times. This will directly work the glutes. Add weights and let them rest on your your pelvis as you lift or alternate legs for added challenge.
• Do stair climbing, either on a machine or preferably on real stairs. The major mover in your body when you climb is the glutes.
• If you really yearn for a bubble butt and don’t want to work for it (and it is hard work) you can purchase a handy little undergarment called Bubbles Bodywear. which adds some silicone to it’s padded panty. Bubbles Bodywear are the Ebony to Spank’s Ivory. Uniquely similar in opposite, yet equally important ways. It may sound ridiculous but if those of us with a tummy bulge can spend $40 on Spanks then $30 for a bubble butt sounds like a reasonable investment to those who’d rather have something on their party platter.
If Your Rump Is Too Big:
• Do tons of cardio, preferably running or if not running, jogging. Nothing will more effectively reduce your rear-end size like high-impact cardio. Don’t bike a ton of biking or do heavy-weighted squats/lunges. If you do indoor cycling classes, keep your toes angled up and your heels in a dropped position.
• Do LSD workouts. This stands for Long, Slow Distance. Try for a 60 minute walk, vigorous golfing or tennis. Any length of time over 45 minutes will be burning fat stores and if your fat is in your behind then 30 minute workouts aren’t gonna cut it.
• There is no such thing as spot reduction. You just have to lose weight. The densest weight stores are around the hips so if you drop the extra pounds, chances are it will go from your trunk.
• If all else fails, wear black.
And finally, if you can’t be with the butt you love, Honey, love the butt you’re with.
